Am i in the wrong or my partner?
Me and my partner started dating in 2003 and by april 2004 we found out that we were expecting a baby 
.. i t was brilliant news and i was over joyed by a million miles!!
Our son was born and we had to live at her parents for a year whilst i saved my wages so we could afford to rent out our own place…during this year my partner got into a "buying online" obsession and had lots of store cards/accounts with outstanding balances and a few credit cards with the same situation. it felt like if a parcel didnt come addressed to her she wouldnt be happy!
Anyways..we had all these great ideas about our own place…sat and chatted about who would pay what etc etc as most couples would.
We moved out of her parents beginning of 2005 and things were going ok..then we ended up moving house because "her mum didnt like the house" which kind of did my head in because we had got into a good routine of paying our bills etc etc…
we moved into a bigger house which of course..cost of living went up and my partner dropped the dreaded bombshell on me…she had been hiding about £3500 worth of debt..due to this she was dragging me rapidly into her mess…i had no choice but to end living together in the 2nd house for 8 months by contacting the landlord…we then both moved back to pur pwn parents (she took son to her parents) eventually her auntie gave her the money to clear her debts but kept £500 to spend on her own….as you can imagine now she had started hiding her money problems and then suddenly sropping them on me it made me angry as i was petrified the knock at the door would be the people coming to collect our home stuff.
Anyways…whilst she was at her parents for the 2nd time when i use to visit she would be telling me "i cant stand it here no more..we need to move out" "ill be so much more careful now im debt free and we will talk about everything etc etc" i took this on board and by december 2007 we were in our 3rd house (current house) yet again she has managed to wrack up the debt (only to about £1000) but because she has told me so many lies and hides family business away from me she has made me that angry im a nervous wreck…im petrified that im going to loose my job yet shye blows what money she gets coming in on stuff that she could ask for xmas etc etc..
She has been use to getting what she wants from her parents where ive been brought up to respect that if something cant be afforded you dont have it but have something else. Am i in the wrong for over reacting? or am i right to under the reassurance she has given me…not talked about things then ended up with companies wanting the full amounts?
Sorry its long and a saturday morning!!
All answers appreciated
Thanks for the replies…
Her parents have money troubles them selves..my family have had to bail her/us out a few times and it makes me feel embarassed and ashamed. she does work weekends but brings in not a lot of money.
Ive always said to her "get the bills out the way and if we got a bit left we can save for xmas..holiday etc etc..or have a month where we go out for a meal…cinema..bowling etc etc but she doesnt seem too intersted in that
Her parents have there own money problems though….plus my partner has drilled it into them im obsessed with money…control freak etc etc
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No you are not wrong! Does she work? Tell her the day she works she can buy whatever she wants with the MONEY she WORKS hard for like YOU DO! If you don’t get that under control it will become much worse to the point of no return. Good Luck!!
no u are def not in the wrong, you need to tell your partner that she has a serious problem and she needs to grow up and realise that she can not get everything she wants because she is a mother and your son should always comes first, by her wracking up more debt, it just makes look very irresponsible the fact that she is wracking up this debt and then your son and yourself are going to suffer in the long run!
her family should tell that she can sort it herself this time instead of bailing her out and then this will teach her its hard paying back a debt!
im sorry aboput ur situation, hope all works out!!!
You are totally right! She wont change now! She has no respect for you or your feelings she only is thinking about herself! If i was you, i would walk away & concentrate on your son.
be careful mate – I support you
Wow what a story, no you are not wrong. I think your partner needs to get rid of her store cards and with your support and her families support she should try to get some help. I believe that compulsive shopping is a recognised psychiatric problem so perhaps a word with your GP would be a good place to start.
I am a woman. Your partner will continue deceiving you. She has a problem and needs help. She sounds immature and spoiled. Have you talked to her parents alone and explained your concern for their grandchild and the jeopardy she is putting her family in. You can’t be accusatory because her parents are going to defend their child and the whole talk will backfire. You must approach it from the angle that you are worried about her (as if she was ill). You may want to have another baby someday and you can’t plan ahead because you never know what type of financial situation you are in. Ask her parents to help you two come up with a budget and a financial plan. By involving them she may be able to see the err of her ways. You are trying to support your family and be financialy independent and she needs to work with you.
Also, Dave Ramsey is a financial advisor popular in the US. Google him to find his website for advice on how to get out of debt.
You are not wrong and she will never change. You need to decide if you want this for the rest of your life. I was married to a gambler and he spent all our money on gambling. He promised to change so many times, but still kept getting us into debt. In the end I had to chuck him out. It was extremely hard to do but turned out to be the best thing I ever did.
Wow! Long one but we feel your pain (sure we can feel all the emotions that you have gone thru.)
I have also read the responses that folks here have given. Each one of them have given good advice. My response is a gist of some of them.
1) Talk to your wife again (yes, again) and tell her to take care of her bills. i.e earn to pay her bills if things have to go further. Which will not happen and you might end up in a discussion, that is when you ask her to give-up (cancel) on the credit cards, store cards etc. You need to bargain.
2) Talk to her parents like one of the folks here has mentioned. yes, talk like you are concerned about their daughter. They can talk to her but ask them to be sensitive as if she knows you have asked them then she will get upset and continue what she is doing.
May be you can ask her parents to give you a solution. That way they will feel their plan is being implemented. Assuming they give some sensible response.
3) Like 1) above … Ask her share the expenses.
4) If need be take help from your parents. After all they are you parents. Also try to give something (atleast thanks) back to them. Your parents would be worried about your situation and let them know as things improve.
have faith.
All the best.
She was trained that way but you mention no other problems and you are settling in. Go after the real cause of her breaking away from reality and maybe you. Your choice is holding you fast to her apron strings no to her night gown.